I wonder if Santa Claus procrastinates

Every Christmas that I've celebrated since since going away to college has snuck up and seemed to materialize from exam week like apparitions from an adrenaline shock, but with less and less luster. The past two Christmases have arrived minus the gift-giving and song-singing and the red-and-green heraldry and advent countdowns of so many years past. Once we've hit December, it's the academic traditions first, then the holiday festivities, that my friends and I have anticipated.

What made childhood and high school Christmases different? The buzz and the glow, the mildly intoxicating lure of the holidays that I've remembered and craved mid-October for the past two years but struggled to concoct come the last few days before December 25. Part-visual spectacle: The appearance of a place being wholly transformed by lights and metallic tones and ribbon, like walking through some hopped-up theme park within negotiable driving distance. The visual coordination of colors and decorations - it's abnormal to see, and I would get excited because the arrival of Christmas was like going to some fantasy land. Come college, and the departure of free time and any inclination to spend money, I didn't really shop, I didn't really decorate (less and less each year - a small tree and lights the first year, lights the second year; nothing this year), and I didn't see "Christmas" as I visually partnered the holiday when I was younger.

The music. Christmas music hasn't become any less enjoyable. But I'm not listening to it right now. When I've gotten in my car - this past week, to go to a friend's house to bake Christmas cookies, to shop for Christmas gifts for my family - I haven't tuned to the station playing Christmas songs. I think it's been mainly to escape the commercials. But the songs also don't carry the same magical wonder-excitement they used to have.

I wasn't disappointed when I outgrew Santa. I maintained the pretense for my sister, who was probably a year or two old at the time. I didn't feel deceived, I didn't feel let down. It was like coming to a common understanding, and it made sense. Santa was less a figment of my imagination than a symbol of a dated impression, a sense of wonder that had changed into something more concrete and rooted in strengthened values.

The things with which I associate Christmas: Hope, joy, peace, love. The kinds of transformation that couldn't be disagreeable - Christmas lights can be garish, but true kindness cannot - and the "magic" that Christ's birth conjures in people that is its own kind of wonderful. That's something that I now partner with Christmas, but not something that makes me especially look forward to the time. The date marks the time and serves as a reminder, but those are things I cherish year-round. And hopefully things I share with people year-round, too.

"Are you guys excited for Christmas this year?" Tracey wanted to know. I explained all of the above in a few words. "No, not really."

"That's sad."

Why? "Keep Christmas with you, all through the year" - a line from a Sesame Street Christmas movie I would watch every year when I was little. It's not so bad.

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On second thought (Christmas music): Traditional Christmas songs mean a lot more to me now. I mean them more when I sing them. "Joy to the world! The Lord is come. Let earth receive her king!"

"Remember, Christ our savior was born on Christmas Day to save us all from Satan’s power, when we were gone astray. Oh tidings of comfort and joy!"